Instead of
“At least they are not suffering anymore.”
Reassurance asks the grieving person to feel better so you feel better.
Try
“This is a terrible loss, and I am so sorry.”
What to avoid
Common phrases, and what to say instead
None of these come from a bad place. They come from wanting the pain to be smaller. The phrases below tend to close a conversation down, and each one has a version that keeps it open.
What tends to close it downWhat keeps it open
Instead of
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Explanations turn their loss into a lesson they never asked for.
Try
“There is no sense to be made of this. I am here anyway.”
Instead of
“I know exactly how you feel, I lost my [person].”
Comparing losses moves the attention to you.
Try
“I cannot know how this feels for you. Tell me, if you want to.”
Instead of
“Let me know if you need anything.”
It puts the work of asking on the person with the least energy.
Try
“I am bringing dinner Tuesday. I will leave it at the door.”
Instead of
“You are so strong.”
It quietly asks them to keep performing strength.
Try
“You do not have to hold it together with me.”
Instead of
“Saying nothing because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing.”
Disappearing hurts far more than clumsy words.
Try
“I do not know what to say, but I am not going anywhere.”
You do not have to make their grief smaller. Listen, stay present, and let them lead.
Back to what to say